Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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