Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
