Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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