Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
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found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
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I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I deserve this hangover.
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