he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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