alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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