Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
