she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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