Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
