seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm at about main and main street
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
