I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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