Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
