I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
