i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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