Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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