when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
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all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
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Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?