you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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