I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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