If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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