omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
