absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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