Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
