Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
