yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
