the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
