: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
