Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
