The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
