Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
