And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
