If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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