I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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