Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
