I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
