Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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