Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......