Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.