Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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