Swine flu. Run for my life!
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize