So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
