I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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