dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
