my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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