Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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