Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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