sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
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speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
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I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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