I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
