There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
