Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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