What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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