Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
