I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
