the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
