While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
