There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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