he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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