I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
