So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
