4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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