Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
