I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
