I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
