ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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