birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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