I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
